Category: Uncategorized

Michael

I am blown away that I don’t think I have talked about Michael yet. Michael was my next door neighbor growing up.  We were supposed to get married.  He passed away when we were 6 (ish) from heart problems.  I did not understand what was happening at the time.  The main thing I remember from him passing away is I told myself on repeat … Read More Michael

At least wine is always there for me.

As of Aug 1 I do not have a place to live.  No matter what I do, I don’t get information submitted in time to be first for these apartments.  I spent today in a mad race with some couple for a place that is a total SHITHOLE and still fucking lost.  Did EVERYTHING.  Called EVERYONE.  Uploaded EVERYTHING.  But apparently the docs didn’t upload … Read More At least wine is always there for me.

Disappointment

I feel like this topic deserves its own entry instead of piggybacking on the last post. It literally eats me alive that I feel like I have disappointed my parents.  I’ve let them down.  I’m actually going backwards in life.  I was young and killing it career-wise and the anxiety, depression, and addiction just took over.  So while my parents could be proud of … Read More Disappointment

Sober

I’m going to write a very sober entry right now in order to make a point.  The drinking doesn’t make me depressed.  I was very depressed long before I started drinking.  And I am fully aware of the fact that my depression feeds my drinking and my drinking feeds my depression (it’s a vicious cycle, thanks Fat Bastard).  The reality is that I don’t … Read More Sober

Darkness

I don’t re-read what I write because I want this to all be 100% authentic as to how someone feels when dealing with these issues.  So if I repeat…sorry about your luck.  At this point, I think about suicide every day.  I’m not going to do it.  But I certainly think about it.  This world doesn’t make sense to me.  Even if I become … Read More Darkness

OMG

Sorry but I’m back for like the 10th time today.  I think one of the hardest parts of depression is feeling isolated.  I understand being “depressed” and “having anxiety” are cool now, but I still don’t feel like there is anyone I can reach out to and talk with honestly without being sent to the looney bin.  Everyone says let’s talk about this more … Read More OMG

Celeb City

I would like to express some of my opinions about the sudden trend of mental illness. Something I have been ashamed of is suddenly cool?  I’m sorry but these celebs coming forward as experiencing depression can KISS MY FUCKING ASS.  I don’t know how this became a trend, and I am grateful it’s getting the attention it deserves, but I do NOT appreciate any … Read More Celeb City

Here’s What You Missed

I’m a bit out of order now but I guess I should explain. My behaviour at work changed suddenly.  I didn’t go to dinners and if I did, I didn’t drink.  I can’t say much else, but as of May I no longer work at my job.  This revelation has been beyond enlightening because it gave me a chance to learn about myself. The … Read More Here’s What You Missed

What’s Next?

I’m not even sure where I left off, but I feel like my life is going backwards.  Salary wise and apartment wise and life wise.  I am 33 and should be planning a family or at the very least I should be happy with who I am, but I’m not.  And considering the recent celebrity suicides, I’m pretty sure I will never be happy.  … Read More What’s Next?

Here’s what you missed

Took a hiatus.  Missed some work and got in trouble.  Dr increased the prozac but still not happy.  I think I will never be happy.  Heading to Florida with mom on Thursday hoping some sunshine helps.  Even if it does, it will be temporary.  I’m a sad human it’s that simple.  I feel bad because all my mom wants is for me to be … Read More Here’s what you missed

I’m doing this for me not you.

Ah yes.  Here we are.  Cleaning my apartment is much better while drinking.  So I feel satisfied with my cleaning and feel the need to word vomit about things I have not touched yet. I swear I’m not an existentialist, but maybe I am.  I don’t understand the point of life.  I’ve lived a close enough life to money to know it doesn’t make … Read More I’m doing this for me not you.

I guess I will go on…

The sadness is all encompassing as we approach the anniversary of the death of basically my second mother.  Cathy lived across the street with me and had a daughter 2 years younger.  Then another daughter.  There was a terrible divorce because they no longer loved each other but she had breast cancer and stayed together for the benefits.  As a child, I didn’t understand.  … Read More I guess I will go on…