As of Aug 1 I do not have a place to live.  No matter what I do, I don’t get information submitted in time to be first for these apartments.  I spent today in a mad race with some couple for a place that is a total SHITHOLE and still fucking lost.  Did EVERYTHING.  Called EVERYONE.  Uploaded EVERYTHING.  But apparently the docs didn’t upload for them because their website is a complete piece of shit.  I mean it auto filled my cell phone number for my employer, my emergency contact, my LAST employer etc.  This is fucking bullshit –  I was first.  Whatever.  Doesn’t matter – didn’t get it.  They claim I will get all my money back, but I don’t even believe that.  I can’t even begin to talk about the sequence of events for today because I will just break down crying.

My alcohol counselor once said to me “one reason drinkers drink is because it’s always there for you.  no matter what”  Right – So how the fuck am I supposed to give it up?  He gave up on me, too.  He’s not always there for me.  But no surprise … we met for 4 months, and I just kept saying I’m not going to stop drinking.  I said “I will listen to what you have to say and be mindful and more thoughtful about my drinking.”  He had me join a group meeting, and when I did both women said their children are the reason they finally started to try and get their shit together.  Well I don’t have any children, so what’s supposed to motivate me??  Then the last time I was supposed to meet him I fucked up the time, typical me, and haven’t heard from him since to reschedule… at the beginning he was very attentive, and I was responsive, but I guess after a few months he gave up on me, which brings me back to the point that alcohol is always there for me.  Never gives up on me.

Also – I’m fascinated by the celeb suicides by hanging.  Why is that so popular?  It sounds like a terrible way to die??? Well, in case you’re curious, theres a wiki how on how to make a noose and was able to do it, which is shocking because I’m a moron.  But I think I get it.  I tested – only out of curiosity I swear… swear-ish… I think it might be fast.

Anyways in a bad mood.  Ciao for now.

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