I feel like this topic deserves its own entry instead of piggybacking on the last post.

It literally eats me alive that I feel like I have disappointed my parents.  I’ve let them down.  I’m actually going backwards in life.  I was young and killing it career-wise and the anxiety, depression, and addiction just took over.  So while my parents could be proud of my before, I’m an embarrassment now.  I went to college and used to manage millions of dollars and now just answering the phone at my new job at a retail store makes my mouth go dry from anxiety.  It gets worse as I get older and I don’t understand why.  It seems like if this happens I would learn how to deal with it and it would get better with age.  But that is not the case.  It just keeps getting worse and harder, and I am a prisoner to my anxiety.

I used to be proud of myself, and I know my parents were proud of me.  Sadly, I think they are disappointed at my downhill progress in life.  I am, too, so I can’t blame them.  It hurts the most that my dad is disappointed in me.  I’m a mini version of him – take after him in so many ways.  I know that he’s upset that I still might need financial help.  I’m declining as much as possible, but I can tell he’s upset.

I took the boyfriend home with me for the 4th of July (I wanted to see a life long friend who moved to New Zealand a few years ago).  I never mailed my dad’s father’s day card so I hand carried it.  The card made a joke that I can never repay him for a billion dollars.  His response was ” UM more like a billion and one.”  Full disclosure at this point my parents pay for therapy and cell phone… I’ve always been on the cell phone family plan but paid for my own therapy until I left NYC.  Anyways he was cold to my boyfriend and me the entire time which was honestly devastating.  I love my dad more than anything in the world, and I know I take after his side of the family.  I have always looked up to him and know his mom and I would have been best friends if she hadn’t passed away when I was like 2    And I’m proud to take after him, even though some of those traits are harder to deal with than others.  But based on the comments and coldness, I feel like he’s beyond disappointed with me, and I would do anything to change that but I’m already doing the best I can.  Even my boyfriend noticed he was not friendly, which really sucked because I always rave about how awesome my family is.  BUT then we go back to the fact that I can’t blame him.  He can’t possibly be more disappointed in me than I am myself.

Of course anytime my brother and his wife are around my dad is ecstatic.  They’re pretty great, so I can’t blame him.  I just hate feeling like I’ve let him down.  He spent a lifetime and a shit-ton of money on me, and here I am at 33 doing the same job as my very first when I was 15 –  retail.

GOT fans?  shame.  shame.   shame.  shame…

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