I don’t re-read what I write because I want this to all be 100% authentic as to how someone feels when dealing with these issues. So if I repeat…sorry about your luck. At this point, I think about suicide every day. I’m not going to do it. But I certainly think about it. This world doesn’t make sense to me. Even if I become happy and rich and successful, I will always know there are people and animals being abused and starving to death in this world. It makes me sick. The entire American way disgusts me. I hope Donald Trump rots in hell. And I want out, but I can’t even figure out how to do that. My priorities – along with most people I know – are out of whack. It’s sickening and confusing and overwhelming because I want to do something good and meaningful, but I don’t even know where or how to start.
My very sweet boyfriend, who I love to death, is also on a different page from me and that is really becoming a challenge. I’m certainly no hero, but I volunteer and work hard. He is a bit more laissez faire … unemployed for almost a year … which is ok if you have the means but then I don’t understand how you are not using your free time to volunteer. Even once a week. You have done well enough that you don’t need to get the first job you find, congrats, but then use some of that time to volunteer? Fuck off.
If we have these major differences, how do I know if we have a future? He’s worried about my skin on my face aging, and I’m worried about literally anything and everything else in the world. I want kids and he doesn’t. Am I just delaying the inevitable?