I’m not even sure where I left off, but I feel like my life is going backwards.  Salary wise and apartment wise and life wise.  I am 33 and should be planning a family or at the very least I should be happy with who I am, but I’m not.  And considering the recent celebrity suicides, I’m pretty sure I will never be happy.  At this point I owe a lot of money on a credit card, so I’m trying to figure out what happens to that debt if I die.  Leaving that to my family would kill me even though I would already be dead.

I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to live.  I am embarrassed of myself, things I have said, and things I have done.  I hate life.  I don’t understand people that think this is fun.

At the end of the day it’s all pointless.  We are all born and we all die, including people, animals, and plants.  It’s all the same.  It’s all luck.  Here I am upset that I have to move out of an apartment with granite counter tops when there are people that literally don’t have clean water to drink.  I feel selfish and disgusted.  How can I like myself when I am such a materialistic snob??? Every dollar I spend could go to something meaningful and yet I selfishly want nice things and travel.

Today is the first day that I’m realizing why I hate myself.  Sounds dumb but I’m finally realizing why I feel this way.  The fact that I’m absurdly materialistic is why I hate myself.  I have always hated myself, but this is the first time I feel like I am really connecting the dots.  But I don’t know how to fix it.  Do I live in an apartment with bugs because I can’t afford anything better but I’m helping kids or animals?  I always knew this but something in my gut hit me today as I pack up my apartment to move to a shitty studio.  I won’t like life there either – so why do I keep trying?

I love my family – they are amazing which makes me feel worse about hating life.  All they do is support me.  How am I so lucky yet still so miserable??  It’s exhausting.  I’m not sure how much longer I can do it.

As usual I am a bit scatter brained and this entry might not be cohesive.

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