Took a hiatus. Missed some work and got in trouble. Dr increased the prozac but still not happy. I think I will never be happy. Heading to Florida with mom on Thursday hoping some sunshine helps. Even if it does, it will be temporary. I’m a sad human it’s that simple. I feel bad because all my mom wants is for me to be happy but she doesn’t understand that there is nothing in the world that can make that happen. I’m not fixable. It is what it is. I’ve brought up dying before, and I will bring it up again. My boyfriend hates when I am negative. He’s a health freak so if I drink a Diet Coke it’s like I’m doing meth. We’re all going to die anyways. Everything gives you cancer. So fuck off. If I want to have my cell phone close to me then leave me alone. He wants to live long and look young forever. I found a modern century Dorian Grey. Which is hilarious because I don’t give a shit about either one of those points.
After the last day I missed work, which was a couple of weeks ago, I told my mom I think I need to stop drinking but I am not sure if I can. I went to a benefit for animals and ended up out until at least 2 am and waking up late and flat out not going to work. That was a Friday. I had already overslept Tuesday because I was out drinking Monday night with my abusive ex-boyfriend because…what could go wrong there??? That’s when my boss said we need to talk about my future at our company and I mentioned maybe I need to stop to my mom. Well fast forward like 2 weeks and my parents have found some social worker psycho-therepist who specializes in depression, anxiety, and addiction. At this point I feel so sad and so defeated that I agreed to go. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of life in general. It’s funny because we try to teach kids that being different is a good thing and we should embrace those characteristics but that’s a bunch of fucking bullshit because I have finally accepted I’m different and it fucking sucks. Even the craziest bitches from high school and college are married with babies right now. I can’t even get to work some days. I can barely take care of myself.
So some of my meds give me massive constipation. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for a while, but it just recently got bad last year. I was trying to use fiber products like Metamucil to go, but it didn’t work. All it did was give me rotten egg farts and embarrass the shit out of me in front of my new boyfriend. So I went to a Gastro who ordered a colonoscopy and ARM which stands for anal rectum something…? Basically arm is when they stick a balloon up your asshole and then inflate it with water. Then, to test your butt hole muscles, you have to try to “poop” out the fucking water balloon. So I went and had these humiliating tests done and of course I fucked up the colonoscopy prep because it’s me. So as a result, I didn’t start going to the bathroom early enough. If you don’t know, the day before you can’t eat anything that isn’t transparent etc. Then you start drinking a liquid that makes you poop because in order to perform the colonoscopy they literally stick a camera up your asshole and look for polyps/irregularities. My dr ordered this to make sure there wasn’t something blocking my poop. Anyways I had the water balloon test first which was humiliating and then the colonoscopy. But I messed up so whatever holds my poop wasn’t empty enough. You are supposed to be shitting water by the time you have the test and I wasn’t. At any rate I could not poop out the balloon and while there was a polyp, there was no blockage (so not the cause of the constipation). Apparently the polyp was fine and my inability to poop out a water balloon indicated that my sphincter muscles are weak. The solution is physical therapy. I literally have to start physical therapy for my asshole. Once a week. For 2-3 months. WHAT? That exists!? So there was a waiting list for the most recommended therapist so last week I was finally worthy. My first appointment is Mar 20 and she said it’s about an hour and 15 minutes. excuse me!?!?!? how the fuck do I have physical therapy for my butt hole for an hour and 15 minutes???? Not to mention the doctors notes this will require for work. Sorry boss. Have to do kegels for my asshole.